Another day on planet earth

As I started this blog, I also started quickly later a new job. 

Since then I didn’t had time to really write.

As I observed myself in that; i realized I never came to the idea to drink again. Not to kill stress or out of boredom. Zero Craving. 

But I feel similar as I did when I was drinking. Numb came in, Panicattacks came back, muscle tensions, not feeling myself. And I wonder, is this new job with 15 hour shifts just addiction in a different coat? What do I want to cover with that?

What do I i avoid to feel?

Is it a way to proof myself that I am worthy? 

Its also the exactly same feeling that I had and tried to cover with alcohol. Am I doing it just in another form? Trying to fit in?

„The problem“  with this hole topic is, that since I stopped drinking, I feel way more. I feel myself when I am happy or sad. But also when I am frustrated or exhausted.

It’s easier to reward yourself with a chilled bottle of jaquesson or whatever than sitting with the feeling of exhaustion or emptiness. And doing the internal job to feel better. 

Another feeling that i had before that I tried to cover, the lack of deepness. I miss i deep talks, being seen, being soft, talking about what inspire me, what we avoid, what we crave, about god and business and not about other people or what we drank last night. And to be absolutely honest, often I used alcohol as my drug of choice, to numb myself so it was easier to listen to another story that was not touching my soul.

I took most of the weeds out of this soil. But some of them have strong roots. 

Neverless i started planting new seeds. 

The crave for a nother meals comes with the question what kind of fruit I want to eat? What do I plant? Is this supporting the life I am trying to create?

Letting go all this toxic habits is not that easy how I thought. Cause it was for such a long time my emotional home. 

And there we come to another point. I grew up in a family where everything was hidden. Hide your feelings, your intensions. Hide your alcoholism, hide your problems, your deepest wishes.

As I am building my life, I realize how often I want to trap in this old emotional home. Walking this new path comes with a lot of rocky ways, or at least not the familiar ones.

When we see it from a different angle, it’s the solution. To feel it all.